I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
