I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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