Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
