a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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