Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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