Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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