I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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