if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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