I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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