The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
