After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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