I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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