I hate your face
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
