I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
