Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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