My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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