Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
