she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
it was like eating out sand paper
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
