I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
