I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
