new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
