My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
