It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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