I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
