I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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