you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
