He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
