Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
