Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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