The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
