I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
