just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
