You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
