So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
