I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
