The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
