It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
