I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
