I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
