Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
