So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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