Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
