So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
