Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
