My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
