You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
