Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
