My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
