I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
