You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
