So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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