i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
