Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
